Tired of Drama

I've just been thinking and praying, thinking and praying all week. And the more I think I can intervene or be an instrument to change... the more I feel that it's not worth my time or energy.

You can't change people. Especially people who have formed opinions about each other and taken sides. People who only wish to have titles and positions, but have no desire to be trained or educate themselves more about discipleship. People who care more about popularity than each other. It's pitiful. It's sad.

It's only by God's grace and mercy we're still standing, but what are we really standing for? What are we really about? We say real nice things and catchy phrases, can pontificate upon scripture after scripture, but we rarely say hello or genuinely smile at each other.

I'm am so tired of hiding behind this fake, generalized smile. The fact is, I am not happy. I am not satisfied. I am not at peace in my spirit. I am not comfortable in the place that should feel like I'm coming home, but yet every Sunday I feel like a stranger in a far away land.

I know God's voice. I KNOW GOD'S VOICE! Yet when I am in the place where I have come to worship, I rarely hear Him. Only in those instances where He has to speak to me to quench this burning sad pain in my soul do I hear Him in His house.

He know's how tired I am. He knows how I desire, rather how I thirst for this barren spirit to be quenched with His word at home. Yet when I am at home, I am judged. I am vilified. I am condemned. And then I'm sent away... still empty, still dry, still barren. I never leave with a smile.

And no one ever listens! Everyone has their part to say, but they never listen. If they did, they would know how I feel. How many of us feel. But they don't care. And if they do, they never show it because they want to be with the "in crowd".

Changing My Armor

It's hard for some people to understand or empathize with another person's trials and life experiences. Even I have difficulty expressing outwardly the inner hurt I feel when someone is going through. I'm learning how to be a better friend emotionally.  Some of my past experiences have caused me to carry around a hard exterior and to avoid those who may actually be in need of support.

At one time in my life I needed to wear this armor because I was so destroyed emotionally, I needed the persona to make me feel stronger than what I really was at that moment. 

But now that armor is becoming a heavy burden. God told me that I've been putting on the wrong armor for far too long! He told me to hand over that heaviness for garments of joy! He told me to put on His holy armor: a belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shoes of peace, and shield of faith! Never to forget the helmet of salvation and my Sword, which is the Word of God!

Let us BE

Let us BE
By Donita A Binford

Let this burning anger restore our faith and hope in our people. Let this heavy disappointment move us to fight for justice and run without ceasing. Let us not tire in our fight or give up, but let us help each other to endure until the end. May our dissatisfaction with our plight push us to drive out ignorance, fear, and hate.

Let us remember our history, our ancestors.
Their pain has become our joy, their struggles are now our victories. Yet we still have to overcome the  residue of the racism, prejudices, stereotypes, and bigotry. We still have room to grow. Let us learn from our failures and let us learn to be better human beings from them.




Let us look forward toward the future with eyes wide open and a positive vision for our people. Let us learn to love each other without conditions. Let us learn to battle with our minds and not our fists. Let us stop pointing weapons of destruction toward each other and come together to tear down the walls of self hate.

Let us speak with the authority, boldness, and truth that only the Creator of Heaven and Earth and give. Let us not fear. Let us not be afraid. Let us not reject change, success, love, or any good thing because it is unfamiliar. Let us open our souls and minds.



Let us educate ourselves for ourselves. Let us write books, create art, open businesses, for our own people. Let us be fruitful and abundant. Let us be wealthy. Let us extinct poverty. Our people shall no longer fear, shall no longer want, and shall no longer suffer injustice. Let us seize what is rightfully ours and move onward.

Let us look to the sky and bask in the sun knowing that we are free. We shall be released from these mental prisons. We will shake loose the chains of degradation, emasculation, hypersexualization. No longer will we allow ourselves to be held down by the weight of statistics, stereotypes, and propaganda. No longer will we be victims, we shall be the VICTORS!

Let us have liberty. Let us pursue our happiness. Let us know our rights. Let us BE.

I am a nation of one.

This week I had to recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the American flag for vacation bible school. As I did this 4 times, I truly felt like a fraud. I just didn't feel like an American citizen. I felt no connection to the flag. I felt no pride in holding my right hand over my heart. In fact it felt more like a waste of time. Why was I pledging my commitment to the flag of the country that kidnapped, enslaved, tortured, murdered, and terrorized my ancestors? In my true heart of hearts, I wanted to snap that flag pole and throw that flag to ground.

Tonight, my feelings were validated. Tonight I understand how my grandparents would have felt in 1955 hearing the verdict of Emmitt Till's trial: Disgusted, Weary, Outraged, Silent Fear.

Just thinking about it, about this verdict in Trayvon Martin's case, it just puts a pit in my stomach. What will this mean for black people? Will we be safe? Must we live in fear of all things white... again?

I'd rather not even take my mind there.

But right now. I feel like a foreigner in a strange land. This nation is not my home.

In the Wake of the Trayvon Martin verdict...

America Not For Me

By Donita Binford

For the millions who were kidnapped from their homeland

For the hundreds of thousands whose bodies are buried under the oceans

For the enslaved who were whipped and tortured

For the women who were raped

For the men who were emasculated

For the history and culture that was destroyed
For the auctioned fathers,separated mothers, and lost children

For every dark hanging body in the sun

For every dog bite and bruise

For every march and sit in

For the burned bodies of 3 little girls in Alabama

For the mutilated body of a young boy in Mississippi

For the videotaped beatings and the riots that ensue

For every bullet that flies tonight in Chicago

For the sidewalks and cul de sacs in Florida

For every child who dies by violence

Why must we suffer still?

Why are we always at war?

Where is our peace? Where is our justice?

No place is safe for Black skin.

The Bandaids were Temporary

Today has been a difficult day for me.

Emotionally.
Mentally.
Spiritually.

When you're sitting at a computer all day doing the same tasks over and over again, it's easy to find that your mind wanders off to some corner of your psyche. I kind of hate that because those are the times that I start to reevaluate my life and it's current state. Most normal people would probably start thinking about chores or errands. I'm at my desk trying not to cry because I'm having a revelation about myself.

Walking through the hallways at work, sometimes feels to me like I reenacting my journey through life when I'm going through this thought process. Looking into the eyes of coworkers and children... I try not to burst into tears. I try to smile. I try to hide the emotional distress I feel on the inside. I don't know if I do this very well or not. No one has ever asked me "What's wrong?"... so I must be doing okay.

I got home from work ate some candy and proceeded to fall asleep for like 4 hours. I had plans to wash clothes... I think it's too late now, but I'll be up late anyway so I guess I'll pop a load into the machine. But even after that nap or crash really... my mind is still whirling and my heart is heavy.

It's so hard to tell everyday people your life's struggle. Everyday people seem to think they can solve your life's problems in one day. But a life problem, you struggle with it everyday and everyday people don't understand your life's past, present, and tomorrow.

Today I made the decision to seek professional counselling.

I'm not crazy but there's some things that have happened in my life that are crazy and I need to speak on these things. I need to speak on them in a way that doesn't make me want to cry at the very thought of the situation or makes me burn with anger at the very sight of the person.

Sometimes you think your wounds have healed but when you poke the wounds, you find that the spots are still tender. Worse yet you find that your wounds are infected, trying to drain out the bacteria.

My wounds have opened back up. From childhood. This one thing has affected everything else about me and I want it done. I want it healed. I want this part of my life to be closed. To have it's finish. To have no more control over me or my future.

Learn and Listen with Wisdom

I have these eloquent thoughts in my mind sometimes and when I finally get down to my computer to express them here, I either can't remember or I can't translate them into words.

Those are the times I know God is speaking to me and only me. And the wisdom that He is imparting is for me at that moment and for the rest of the world at an appointed time.

It is  not a good thing to share everything you know. Some people are so anxious and needy for attention, the first moment they hear something they didn't hear before, they need to go and tell everybody about it.

Sometimes we all need to sit down and process what is really being said and going on when we hear the things we hear.

Processing means we have to take the time and understand. Either by asking questions, doing research, or putting other background information together to come to a competent conclusion.

We need to have patience with each other. We should be able to actively listen to one another where each person feels that they have been heard.

We all need help or will need help at some point in our lives and there will be a point when we will need to cry out for someone to help us. Let's learn to listen with wisdom so when we are needed we will know what to do.

Stay Paying Attention

Yesterday...

North Korea is planning to declare war on South Korea.
A U.S. Diplomat was killed in Afghanistan.
A shooting spree killed 13 in Serbia.
Bird Flu is spreading in China.
3 children died after a wall of dirt fell on top of them.
Iran opened up a Uranium processing facility.
An Earthquake hit southern Iran.

Meanwhile on news casts & televisions around and in the United States...

Beyonce' and Jay-Z are frolicking around Cuba for their anniversary.

If I Wrote a Memoir of my Life...

If I was to write my own memoir, I would also do the audio reading as well, but I would insist on not releasing the book until after I was dead because the final line would be... "And then I died." I would choke up, gasp, and you would hear a thump like I fell on the floor. Then you'd hear nurses, doctors, and medical staff. And then silence....

But just to creep you out you would begin to hear ominous laughter after like 45 seconds of silence.... and then I would say... "I'm not dead, I'M BEHIND YOU!!!" And hopefully you're not driving because that would really cause some accidents... but since I would be dead already... you couldn't sue me.

I Had a Dream the Other Night

I had a dream the other night. I've had this dream in variations before... but this time it startled me. It's stayed in my spirit. The feeling has stayed in the pit of my stomach... even at this very moment.

Many times I dream that I have had a baby. A little girl. A pretty little baby girl. [And this greatly affects me, because I would love to have a daughter one day.] But for whatever reason, I have forgotten that I have a baby.

I walk into the house one day and I close the door and something in my head says, "You forgot to feed the baby!" And I run to go feed my child, but I can't find her. I can't remember where she is! Did I take her to the babysitter? Is she with her father? I panic. [In my dream I panic, but I can physically feel my heart beating and my body breaking into a sweat.]

But I'm panicking, until I hear a little whimper. A whimper from the closet. And I open the closet and there she is. "My baby!" She is bundled up in a basket and wrapped in blankets. Dressed in cute romper and a bow. But she's all shriveled up and her big eyes are staring at me. Staring at me with questioning eyes..."Why did you leave me in here?" "How could you forget about me?" "Don't you love me?"

And I begin to cry and hug my child. I apologize to my child, but she begins to gasps, gasping for air.
"I have to save my baby!", I exclaim. I carry her in the basket downstairs to the kitchen. I open the cupboard to find jars of baby food. Applesauce, gone bad. Peas and carrots, gone bad. Pot roast, spoiled too.  I hear her gasp again.

"Water! I need water!"

I run the faucet and quickly fill a bottle with water.

"Drink this baby girl! It will help you!", I say with tears and hopefulness in my eyes. "Please drink". I am pleading.

And she does... she drinks the water. She drinks it down. She is happy. She smiles and she wants more. I fill her bottle again and give her more. Her shriveled body seems to plump back up magically. I hold her in my arms and promise to never let her go again.

So I have my baby. I am satisfied. I saved what is mine. But then I hear a knock on the door.

"Can you help her?"

"Help who?"

"Her."

The stranger, a woman dressed in a black suit points to a young woman... maybe in her twenties and she has a son.

"Can you help her?"

I answer, "I can, but what can I do?"

She needs you to raise her child.

And before I can think I reply, "I can do that."

The woman hands me the boy, all the while I am holding my own daughter whom I"m almost lost by my own irresponsibility. The woman in black suit and young mother are now gone. Now I have two babies. Two babies. Much responsibility. And I feel the weight, but I am happy.

That's when I woke up.
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I'm sure I know what the dream means, but maybe someone else out there may have a take on what they think it means. Are there any Joseph and Daniel spirits out there?

Let's Get Metamucil On This Blog!

I'm going to get better at writing in this blog. Unfortunately I am addicted to Facebook and I find myself sharing some of my best thoughts in well thought out, but rather long status messages.

I don't want to be that person.
The Facebook Status Philosophizer. Preacher. Teacher.

No it's time to reserve my FB timeline for Grumpy Cat memes, news stories that I feel pertinent to share, and the random quips that I think of frequently.

It's time that I attend to my Wonderland on a regular basis.

Let's bust some fiber in these key strokes and get Metamucil on this blog!

(I don't care if that last sentence made sense or not... I thought it was funny.)

Deliberate Faith Actions: Let's Stop Hanging Ourselves!

Deliberate Faith Actions: Let's Stop Hanging Ourselves!

Romans 12 (KJV)
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
² And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.³ For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith

2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV)
¹⁷ Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Are you playing Hangman with your life? Are you trying to guess the letters so you can solve the puzzle on your own? Are you realizing that the choices you are making are more misses then hits? My friend, let me inform you, you are just hanging yourself even more. You are choking the very life out of yourself and it's no fault but your own!

God speaks to us while we are in our dirt. He does this in different ways. He may send people into our lives at various times who may plant spiritual seeds in our lives. There might be situations or problems that may come about that will bring you closer to Him. All in all, God desires an intimate relationship with everyone no matter who you are or what you have done. God is merciful and kind. He loves us.

After we have accepted Christ Jesus as our personal savior we receive the gift of eternal life in heaven. Unfortunately, many professed believers stop there. After the act of baptism, many believe "That's it! I made it in!".   But the work doesn't stop there.  When you have confessed Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you are also accepting the responsibility to learn more of the teachings of Christ and to begin living a Christian lifestyle. God is asking us to make a lifetime commitment to Him. That after our worship services, pomp & circumstance, we realize that our relationship with the Creator is a living reality, an everyday existence that we must work toward making more solidified than the day before.

Change does not happen overnight. God instructs us to be "transformed", to "renew our minds". Spiritual transformation and renewal is not something that magically occurs once you are dipped into the water or take your first communion. These are "deliberate faith actions" that believers must take on a daily basis. What God is saying is that He has created us human beings who have the ability to make choices. If we are truly believers in God, we should have faith enough in God to believe that we have the power to make the right choices that are not only wise, but that will also glorify who He is in our lives to the rest of the world.

What is a "deliberate faith action"?

To deliberate or be deliberate means that you are carefully reflecting, considering your actions and that you are consulting with a Reliable Source. As a Christian, our Reliable Source is God and the way we "consult" with Him is through humble prayer and study of His Holy Word. How can we make decisions as believers without asking The One whom we believe guides our footsteps? How can you get to an unknown destination, without first asking for directions or studying a map? Yes you could just jump into a vehicle and go for what you know, but in doing so you may encounter situations that could delay or put a halt on your journey that would have been easily avoidable if you had first asked or consulted with the Reliable Source.
In Hebrews 11:1 (KJV), the bible tells us that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen".  This means faith is visualizing in your mind or believing that a factual occurrence has happened before your physical senses (sight, smell, hearing, touch, & taste) can acknowledge it as a reality. In other words, believers have the power to see future outcomes right now! Now we may not know the how, the why, the where, or the when these outcomes may happen, but we believe they WILL happen because we have the faith to even visualize it.

Action is taking conscious energy to achieve a expected outcome. James 2:20 (KJV), tells us that "...faith without works is dead". It is something to have faith in God, but to never do anything with your faith, makes your faith useless. There are many reasons why believers never apply action to their faith. Maybe it could be fear, regrets, or maybe we are holding onto something in our pasts but it seems that at this point many Christians come to a "hangman" moment in their lives.
Action requires us as Christians to really examine ourselves and our commitment to God. When we know that He us calling us to a higher level, sometimes stepping out of our comfort zones can be the biggest obstacle of our lives. Yes, we have prayed, we have studied, we even have deep faith in our Redeemer... but we still have the fear that if we take some type of action... we still might fail.

If you are having fear or anxiety about changing for the better or acting upon your faith in a positive manner, first know that fear is not an attribute of the spirit of God.

"Well how will I know I am making the right choice? Isn't that pit in my gut a sign that I shouldn't change?"

2 Timothy 1:7 lets us know, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Well from this verse alone we can examine if we have made the correct choices.

Are your decisions:

• Making you feel empowered personally?
• Giving power to others to influence you negatively? 
• Causing you to feel paranoid or distrusting of people around you?
• Showing love and respect toward God, your family, your friends, & yourself?
• Allowing you to sleep well at night?

Many times once we have examined ourselves and/or the choices we have made, we realize we have to go back and deliberate with God in prayer. We may have to go back and ask for forgiveness because we've hurt others or we may have reverted back to habits that are not pleasing to God. We may have realized that we have made choices based on our personal desires and not to glorify God. It's a good thing to acknowledge when we are wrong. God did not save us because we were already perfect; He gave us the gift of salvation through Christ because He IS merciful.

God has created us to be creative people for the purpose to glorify Him. Everyone has a purpose. It is up to each and every one of us to discover that purpose. No matter how small or big we think it is; what ever it is, it is purposeful, needed, and it is meant to help others.

God is calling you to come out of whatever mess you are in and no longer fear! Leave your past behind and walk into your destiny!  There is no use in trying to hold on and carry the weight of the past on your shoulders. Once you except Christ, begin to throw away those burdens, addictions, bad habits, and sins that for so long have kept you in a repeating loop of despair. It's time to press play & move forward!

Don't except anymore excuses from yourself. Cut yourself down from that "hangman" rope and let yourself be free!

The Power to Forgive is God-Given

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and forgive the people who have done you wrong. Even when they are convinced they are doing the right thing with no regards as to how you feel, just forgive them and move on. 

No one has to prove anything to anyone. On that day when we must all account for our individual lives, God is not going to ask you about your opinions or what you thought about he, she, them, and what they were doing. God is going to ask you what you have done to advance the heavenly kingdom.

Life is too short to hold onto grudges and try to get back at others. We shouldn't allow gossip, jealousy, envy, or greed to consume us. We are more than conquerors! No one can get in the way of your individual prosperity if we decide to prosper by the means of prayer, fasting, and an active commitment to advance in whatever you decide to do.

The enemy's devices can only be indestructible if we perceive them to be insurmountable. 

We can do ALL things through the power of Christ within us! Nothing is too hard for God. So that means we have the power to forgive.