Jul 31, 2017

That one relationship...

Memory Monday:

When I was a freshman in college, I used to date this fine brown skinned Adonis, he looked exactly like Tank. I mean everything: body, face, and he could even sing.  I was totally infatuated with this man! I'd sneak him into my dorm at night, middle of the afternoon, whatever, I had to see him. He had tattoos on his arms, one I remember being a spiderweb. I really was into this man and he wanted me to commit to him.

So why am I not with this man now? Well, one afternoon he called me and confessed he loved me but that he had been not telling me everything about his life. So you know I started thinking the scenarios; gay, bi, drug dealer, escaped from jail, devil worshipper, was Joan of Arc in a former life. I don't know!

Well, he proceeds to tell me that he was a single father and had a 3 year old daughter who was his pride and joy. He thought that it was time I should meet her because he felt I would be a great stepmom to her.

Now to some ladies, this would have been a sigh of relief. It may have even sounded romantic, but look, I was young. 18 years old, just tasting freedom. Didn't have any kids, just getting into the swing of college life and entering adulthood. But here's this man that's throwing these words of CHILDREN, PARENT, MOTHERHOOD, MARRIAGE, RELATIONSHIP, at me and what happens? PANIC!

So I'm sitting on the other end of this phone call receiving this new information. My heart is pounding so hard, I can't hear my thoughts. I'm trying to process my reaction because I really like this man but do I love him?  And do I know him enough to say yes to meeting this child too? Am I ready for this?

All I could ask, "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I was afraid you wouldn't see me."

"This is a lot to think about right now."

"What do you need to think about? I thought we were working toward something here!" He was yelling now. I didn't know why he was yelling but I just started crying because I knew he wanted me to answer him then and there.

"I'm not ready."

"So that's it? I have a kid and you don't want to be with me anymore?!"

"I never said that! I said I wasn't ready to meet her. You just sprung this on me what do you expect me to say?"

"I don't know. You said you weren't ready but I am, so I think that's it."

That's how that relationship ended. When I look back at it, I feel the same emotions. Guilt, anger, frustration, even fear. Though now, 17 years later, I can truly see that God was protecting and covering in that moment of decision. Life changing decision at that.

I could always ask "What if I had?" But the overriding thought is "If the Lord had not been on my side, where would I be?"

Human life is a series of twists, turns, intersections, crossroads, roundabouts, u-turns,
splits in the road, and sometimes dead ends. We're all on this journey and we're all headed for destinations that are significantly influenced by the choices we make. Looking back for a moment at where we have been helps us not make the same errors we've made in our past.

The moral of this story is: Let Life Happen To You So You Can Grow. Stop being afraid to the feel pains of your past and don't let your past overtake your future. Learn and grow. Learn and move forward.