Today has been a difficult day for me.
When you're sitting at a computer all day doing the same tasks over and over again, it's easy to find that your mind wanders off to some corner of your psyche. I kind of hate that because those are the times that I start to reevaluate my life and it's current state. Most normal people would probably start thinking about chores or errands. I'm at my desk trying not to cry because I'm having a revelation about myself.
Walking through the hallways at work, sometimes feels to me like I reenacting my journey through life when I'm going through this thought process. Looking into the eyes of coworkers and children... I try not to burst into tears. I try to smile. I try to hide the emotional distress I feel on the inside. I don't know if I do this very well or not. No one has ever asked me "What's wrong?"... so I must be doing okay.
I got home from work ate some candy and proceeded to fall asleep for like 4 hours. I had plans to wash clothes... I think it's too late now, but I'll be up late anyway so I guess I'll pop a load into the machine. But even after that nap or crash really... my mind is still whirling and my heart is heavy.
It's so hard to tell everyday people your life's struggle. Everyday people seem to think they can solve your life's problems in one day. But a life problem, you struggle with it everyday and everyday people don't understand your life's past, present, and tomorrow.
Today I made the decision to seek professional counselling.
I'm not crazy but there's some things that have happened in my life that are crazy and I need to speak on these things. I need to speak on them in a way that doesn't make me want to cry at the very thought of the situation or makes me burn with anger at the very sight of the person.
Sometimes you think your wounds have healed but when you poke the wounds, you find that the spots are still tender. Worse yet you find that your wounds are infected, trying to drain out the bacteria.
My wounds have opened back up. From childhood. This one thing has affected everything else about me and I want it done. I want it healed. I want this part of my life to be closed. To have it's finish. To have no more control over me or my future.