Jul 31, 2017

That one relationship...

Memory Monday:

When I was a freshman in college, I used to date this fine brown skinned Adonis, he looked exactly like Tank. I mean everything: body, face, and he could even sing.  I was totally infatuated with this man! I'd sneak him into my dorm at night, middle of the afternoon, whatever, I had to see him. He had tattoos on his arms, one I remember being a spiderweb. I really was into this man and he wanted me to commit to him.

So why am I not with this man now? Well, one afternoon he called me and confessed he loved me but that he had been not telling me everything about his life. So you know I started thinking the scenarios; gay, bi, drug dealer, escaped from jail, devil worshipper, was Joan of Arc in a former life. I don't know!

Well, he proceeds to tell me that he was a single father and had a 3 year old daughter who was his pride and joy. He thought that it was time I should meet her because he felt I would be a great stepmom to her.

Now to some ladies, this would have been a sigh of relief. It may have even sounded romantic, but look, I was young. 18 years old, just tasting freedom. Didn't have any kids, just getting into the swing of college life and entering adulthood. But here's this man that's throwing these words of CHILDREN, PARENT, MOTHERHOOD, MARRIAGE, RELATIONSHIP, at me and what happens? PANIC!

So I'm sitting on the other end of this phone call receiving this new information. My heart is pounding so hard, I can't hear my thoughts. I'm trying to process my reaction because I really like this man but do I love him?  And do I know him enough to say yes to meeting this child too? Am I ready for this?

All I could ask, "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I was afraid you wouldn't see me."

"This is a lot to think about right now."

"What do you need to think about? I thought we were working toward something here!" He was yelling now. I didn't know why he was yelling but I just started crying because I knew he wanted me to answer him then and there.

"I'm not ready."

"So that's it? I have a kid and you don't want to be with me anymore?!"

"I never said that! I said I wasn't ready to meet her. You just sprung this on me what do you expect me to say?"

"I don't know. You said you weren't ready but I am, so I think that's it."

That's how that relationship ended. When I look back at it, I feel the same emotions. Guilt, anger, frustration, even fear. Though now, 17 years later, I can truly see that God was protecting and covering in that moment of decision. Life changing decision at that.

I could always ask "What if I had?" But the overriding thought is "If the Lord had not been on my side, where would I be?"

Human life is a series of twists, turns, intersections, crossroads, roundabouts, u-turns,
splits in the road, and sometimes dead ends. We're all on this journey and we're all headed for destinations that are significantly influenced by the choices we make. Looking back for a moment at where we have been helps us not make the same errors we've made in our past.

The moral of this story is: Let Life Happen To You So You Can Grow. Stop being afraid to the feel pains of your past and don't let your past overtake your future. Learn and grow. Learn and move forward.

May 23, 2017

Singles & Singleness: Seeing Ourselves Through God's Eyes

Was reading a short article in the June 2017 Essence and it really ministered to me. Sometimes God puts you in a place where  you don't want to be in order to sequester you to hear and start digesting His Word in you. In my case, I'm stuck in jury duty for the time being. So here's what God has put in my spirit today for the single women and men, including myself. 

God wants us to know that there is a special place in His heart for the singles in the Body of Christ. He wants us to know for sure that every tear, frustration, pain, heartbreak, heartache, feelings of confusion, anxiety, loneliness and rejection, are felt, seen, and heard. He understands and wants us to remember that we are friends of God. We have been chosen and appointed to bear everlasting fruit, so whatever you ask in the name of the Father, He may give it to us John 15:15-16.

When we view singleness as a "problem" instead of being sacred, we will constantly devalue ourselves based upon the ideals of others. God's love and love for ourselves should be the way we define our worth in the world. God's word affirms in us that we have value! In fact, we were bought with a price by God! We are not to be enslaved by the thoughts and opinions of the world 1 Corinthians 7:23! The way God sees us is not based upon what or who we think are, what we have done, or our current state in life. God knows the plans He has for us! Plans for us to prosper and not to harm us, plans that give us hope and an expected end Jeremiah 29:11! Everything that is happening in your life right now may not be easy. It may not feel comfortable and it may not be the plan you had for your life, but know right now, that GOD MAKES ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THEM WHO LOVE HIM Romans 8:28!

Keep affirming to yourself through God's word and begin seeing yourself through God's eyes!

You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God! Genesis 1:27 & Psalm 139:4

Your faith makes you whole in spirit, soul, and body! Mark 5:34

You live by faith, not by sight! 2 Corinthians 12:7

God meets all of your needs! Philippians 4:16

God keeps you in perfect peace because your mind is fixed on Him! Isaiah 26:3

You have the anointing of Jesus, through the Holy Spirit. He teaches you truth and empowers me to live a full life! 1 John 2:27

Because you seek the Lord with all your heart, you will lack no good thing! Psalm 34:10

God pours out his love into your heart by the Holy Spirit! Romans 5:5

Because you write love and faithfulness on the tablet of your heart you have favor with God! Proverbs 3:3

The “fullness of God” is available you because you am deeply rooted in the love of Christ! Ephesians 3:17-19

Jan 2, 2017

Let Serena Live Please!

Been holding back on this but...

Why are black men so butthurt over Serena marrying a white man? Where was all this outrage when these black male athletes and entertainers married and flaunted and paraded their white wives in front us black women? And we just had to accept it.

It just seems to me that black men believe that black women should only belong to them and them only. That there are no other ethnicities of the male human species in the world that can value our minds, souls, and bodies without believing that they own us.

Why does society feel the need to limit Black women? Why do we have to feel like if we're not with a Black man that we're not worthy of love or being treated with respect?

And this is not speaking against Black men at all. I come from a Black man. My family is full of strong, Godly Black kings. They would love for me to marry a good Black man, but they would be damned if I chose to marry a Black man who didn't treat me right over a man of another ethnicity who did.

Black men who have complaints about Serena, can save the crocodile tears. You really never cared about Serena. If you did, you would talk about the greatness of her career.  But all you see is a sex symbol you lust after and you're just upset that your dick gets soft  when you close your eyes cause no longer see yourself in bed with her, but that white man she chose.

Nov 26, 2016

Black Americans Learning Black History is Healing Matter

So this was a comment I left on a video. It's long but this is from the heart. This is for every person who tries to tell you that Black people need to "let go" of our history. That we use slavery as a "crutch" or an excuse for the current conditions of our people in this nation. Don't let that guilt trip move you toward the path of ignorance! It is a trap to keep you complacent to injustice! It was the same line of methodology they used on our ancestors to keep us subject to the system of inhumane chattel slavery in the United States! It was illegal for us to read, to write, to speak our home languages, to sing our own songs, to worship our own religions, to keep our own names at the punishment of death! Black Man Woman, and Child, you are the most lethal weapon to America when you TRULY know these two things: WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU COME FROM.

Know thyself.

There's nothing wrong with Black Americans learning their history. Please do not take it for granted. There was a time in our very recent history that there was no existence of books about Black people or a Black history month to bring awareness to the contributions of Black people in the United States (Google: Carter T. Woodson). Furthermore, all Americans need to learn about the horrors of chattel slavery in the United States so they would not be ignorant. Slavery still exists today in varying ways but most people would not be able to identify someone who was a slave simply because they choose not to educate themselves.

Black Americans especially need to learn the atrocities performed upon our ancestors and we should never forget them, otherwise the same things can be repeated. Learning these things may cause us to experience different emotions of anger or sadness, but we must go through these things to heal and move forward. We almost must realize, our emotional expressions right now can in no way compare to the physical & psychological pains our ancestors experienced first hand. In many ways the tears we cry now are the tears they wished they could lament back then.

We need to learn these things not to build hate or to plot revenge against others, but in order to heal and carry through the fight of those who were stolen from their homeland; died on the ships and bodies who were thrown into the ocean; survived the horrors of trans-atlantic transport being chained to the floors for weeks on hand, laying in human waste; and endured the cruelties of chattel slavery, being bred like animals, raped of humanity, denied of their languages, fractured from their cultures, broken from their families, forced to work in fields that they did not own and forced to build a nation that would forever treat them as less than equal.

If you are a Black American and do not acknowledge the struggles of your ancestors, you deny the very blood that runs through your veins at this moment! Your DNA links you to people who survived the greatest crime never for convicted and never for has been indicted!  If Black Lives Matter to you now, then how can you not acknowledge that  Black Lives Mattered then?

Yes, the United States of America has many sins to confess concerning the many groups of people she has chosen to rape, murder, dehumanize, disenfranchise, and plunder. Don't be one of those who add to those lists of sins by denying, ignoring, or disvaluing the true history of this country. Our ancestors deserve their truth to be told, even if it is violent, graphic, and hard to digest.

Jul 4, 2016

July. 4.1776.

July 4th, 1776.

I see that date and it feels like an imposter. It doesn't feel like it belongs to me.

I go to the Red, White, & Blue parade every year with good intentions. I just get frustrated and can't wait till it is over.

I have issues with the American flag. I can't help but see the blood of the innocent and the persecuted dripping from it's hem.

I have to think about Crispus Attucks when I sing the National Anthem. Otherwise, what's the point.

I think about my grandparents growing up  in Alabama. Sharecropping. Saying the Pledge of Allegiance yet going to segregated schools. Fighting in a war for this country but living segregated bunkers. Working in their houses and raising their children but not being able to use their bathrooms.

I remember being in college and in a race & minority relations class. A conversation about affirmative action turned into viral attack. I was called a nigger and he spat at me.

I remember the feeling of searing anger I felt when I was told the white male who was recently hired made more than I & did not have the level of education nor work experience I had. I smiled, nodded, and thanked God for the raise.

But I still think about it.

It's hard to forgive, but I can forgive.

I just can't forget.