Sometimes I wonder if romantic love is real. Even when the romance sparks, it seems to be a dream at that moment. Looking into someone else’s eyes and actually feeling some type of emotion, it seems like a foreign notion to me. I believe that I’d probably laugh or start to feel out of place and awkward; but that’s not odd, not odd for me.
I’m very uncomfortable when it comes to romance. This concept of “falling” in love, it just seems like such of a lie. Have I loved men. Yes. Have a “fallen” for them… no. Well, maybe one… but I almost went to jail over that one. But it wasn’t my fault. I mean I was there, but I didn’t do it… I watched… which made me a co-conspirator…. But I didn’t do the crime… who knew throwing bad eggs at a car was a felony?
Bet he’ll never cheat again…
Anyway, back to this love thing. I try not to get emotional about it, but I do sit sometimes and just wonder, will I ever be loved back the way that I want to give love. Do I even deserve love or to be in a relationship? Well I KNOW the answer is yes, but I don’t feel the same affirmation. Everyone deserves to be loved. To be doted over by someone. Someone who looks at them and always sees a speck of beauty no matter how ugly the situation. I have yet to experience that in my life.
I’m almost 30 and I’ve never been loved the way I needed to be loved by a man. It makes me want to cry. Seriously, I’m tearing up… but then I don’t know whether to be angry or confused about this.
I’ve thought about changing my location. Maybe the men here in this part of the United States just aren’t breathing “marriage” air. Maybe if I moved Down South I’d attract some big, tall, chocolate, deep voiced man, who’s ready to settle down and start a family… Probably not.
How much perfume, makeup, and high heels do you have to put on before you can even get a “Hello”? Men don’t know how to talk to women anymore. They don’t know how to ask you to dance. Everyone dances in groups… seriously?!? Are we in grade school at an after school dance??? Ugh!
Flirting comes easy for me, but there’s that delicate line between flirting and sluttiness (if that’s a word). Touch that shoulder a little too much, smile the “right” way, and say that dirty joke you always say, and you’ve left “I’d like to date this girl” mode to “I’d like to bang this girl and never call her again” mode in his mind in a matter of seconds. (Don’t walk down that road! It’s a very itchy road… I hear!!!)
Romance, romantic love… It’s a Fairy Tale. It’s just stories that they give us as children to aspire to have as adults… but they never teach us to be romantic. In the stories, the knight in shining armor comes along to save the princess, they kiss and they live happily ever after. I ain’t never kissed nobody and lived happily ever after that (more horny ever after… but not happily).
To sum it up, it’s not easy to be single in a world that glorifies romance, couples, and marriage. Now these are all great things, things I would love to have with someone else one day, but the real story is that for someone like me, it just feels unattainable. Like it will never happen, or if it does, it’ll be a long while before anyone asks me to walk down an aisle and jump a broom with them.
Until then, I’m going to enjoy my life as it flows. What else is there? Knights don’t live in Ohio.