Today I'm at the store (Old Time Pottery if you must know) and they've got some classic MJ playing over the speakers. So I'm jamming, singing to myself, about to look in a bin of pillows. That's when I hear this guy say to me, "Uh, uh. No singing in Old Time Pottery... not without me talking to you first." I had to turn around and see who this bold man was (dear Lord let him be fine). So smiling and giggling at me was this tall, green eyed, handsome... caucasian man... possibly in his 40s. Needless to say... I was disappointed. Flattered, but still disappointed. We had a bit of convo, a little flirting but that's about it. He just wasn't my type.
Though it did get me thinking. I'm all for dating outside of your culture and ethnicity. I believe in the Melting Pot of Love. But I had to admit to myself today that I have quite a bit of fear & apprehension when I am approached by men who are of different ethnicities or backgrounds than I am. This happens more often due to working in the medical field and that I now understand or I have been told that I have a so-called "international look". Which bothered me at first, but I've come to accept it. So I look like I'm from Africa or India... what now? I'm still an Black American woman who is mainly attracted to Black American men. It's my Achilles Heel.
Now I've dated a few guys who were not the same skin color as I and I still have those voices tickling my ears reminding me of Black Power, Black Love, and the Black Family. I even have the sting of guilt that sometimes rises up in my belly. Like I am betraying my people by going out with a white man. I really hate that feeling. I even hate it more when Black men make you feel guilty for dating someone of a different ethnicity. Seriously?! Wasn't none of yall beating down my door, calling my phone, or texting me to take me out. Oh you may have attempted to see if we could get down sexually, but you really weren't trying to see who I was as a human being.
It doesn't help the fact that I am overweight either. No matter how friendly or amazingly intelligent that I am, men (no matter the color) are visual creatures. My curves... are in all the wrong places. They either like what they see or they don't. So I believe now that's two strikes against me: Black and Fat. And being that I am a Christian, it narrows the field down even more. There aren't too many churches harboring single, saved, and satisfied Black men in hoards. Neither are they flocking to the pews. It's like the NFL draft nowadays for a single black woman out here. You better hope you get called up to play... otherwise you'll be hanging around like a free agent.
That's what I am right now. A free agent. I'm trying to get myself together (lose some weight, get outta debt, etc) so I can look good for some man out here to pick me so we can negotiate a deal, sign a contract, win a Super Bowl, and retire in luxury (or open a few franchise McDonalds along the way). Ya feel me? So while I'm out here ripping and running I do catch a few prospective teams eyes, but it ain't the teams I TRULY want to play with! And today I realized, if I'm going to get the ring, I'm going to have to get on the field sometime. If it's going to be that I have to be with someone I wouldn't expect to be with, I can accept that. I can fully, truly accept that.
All I want is someone who loves and respects me completely. A man whom I can look into their eyes and know that they know who I am entirely. Someone that I can be reassured that they are trustworthy and strong.
So maybe I should have given that guy my number or smiled a bit more. I don't know. THAT guy wasn't my type. Maybe the next one will be.