May 20, 2014

Disappointment, Life, & Birthday Cake

Sometimes I forget I'm over 30 and get frustrated when I receive invites to 30 & over events. Like, "I can't go to that, I'm only..." and then reality hits me. "Oh yeah, that's right." I can remember being in my teens just waiting in anticipation to turn 16. Like it would be the age of a new Renaissance for all the people of the world. When my birthday came, I expected people to be so excited for me. Oh I dreamed the night before of a surprise party with family and friends.  Practiced my surprise expression throughout the day, believing in my heart that at the age of 16, I was special enough to be thought of in such a way. But no party, no surprise. I remember having to tell people it was my birthday.  Thinking on it now, it took everything inside of me not to cry in that moment. I remember going to Walmart of all places and purchasing a Sweet 16 charm for myself, telling myself it was from my dad.

I think my cousin was the only one to give me a birthday card and it made me feel important, like I had reached a turning point.  Hey I was old enough to get a birthday card! Awesome! Everyone wants to feel like they are loved and thought about at some point in their life.   Every milestone age then after 18, 21, 25, then turning 30, I kept up this high excitement for my birthday,  only to be let down. I went as far as telling people I wanted a surprise birthday party. I basically put the whole theme down on paper to be executed,  but surprise,  surprise: no party. And it's my fault for allowing that to be a personal disappointment. I have never been at the forefront of the people I love most minds as a person who needs to be helped, encouraged, or celebrated. I've always had to give of myself more than what others give to me. I never was picked first for anything.

I'm more likely an above average thinker with a lower middle class attitude about life. I have such grandiose ideas about my future and how I can make the world a more tolerable place, but then I have my logical, more skeptical mind that puts my technicolor dreams into black and white. This may sound like a pity party... and it is! Who else is going to throw a party for me? No one.

I whine a little. I get it out of my system and go on to live another 24 hours.

This year as my birthday draws nearer, I can't lie,  I'm excited but I'm not expecting anything or anyone to do anything for me either. It only takes one person to blow out the candles.

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