An Appreciation Post for Feral Cats

An appreciation post for feral cats...

How many of you know about the Floods of 1937 that drowned Cincinnati for a whole month? I remember learning about the flood through pictures that used to be on the walls of the old IGA as a child. Northside, Camp Washington, & Cumminsville were affected drastically by the floods due to proximity to their Mill Creek. It led to the Mill Creek being invaded in concrete and other levies & dams being built to control water levels in the future. A little talked about after effect of the flood was an influx of rats, mice, and rodents. To help combat the infestation, people started bringing in cats to the neighborhoods. 

Feral cats can minimize rodent problems and are a “green” alternative to pest control. Feral cats keep rodent populations in check and discourage new rodents from moving into the area. While some people feel that cats (feral or domestic) attract rodents because of uneaten cat food, the opposite is true. An established, vaccinated, and sterilized colony of feral cats will deter other stray and feral cats from moving into the area. This actually decreases the chances that people will encounter an unvaccinated cat, and will virtually eliminate problem behaviors like fighting, yowling, spraying and roaming.

Did you know that the City of Cincinnati consistently has ranked in the top 25 for most rat infested cities? As developers continue to build more apartments and situations were people live closer together and create more waste, the rodent population will increase. So appreciate your local feral cats, they're helping keep Mickey & Minnie out of your cupboards

 https://digital.cincinnatilibrary.org/digital/collection/p16998coll11

Keeping Simone Biles in my Prayers

I have never been able to do a cartwheel, roundoff, backflip, or any type of flip. Even when I determined inwardly and told my brain to run fast, bend toward the ground with my hands, then with my own arms supporting my body into an upside down vertical position, flip myself forward, to land upright. NEVER. BEEN. ABLE. TO. DO. IT. I was a cheerleader in high school... I could jump decently, do splits, kick high, pick up and catch people who weighed 100+ lbs, even could do a full 10-15 minute dance routines several times a day... BUT... even with practice and workshops and coaches... I could never somersault or tumble. NEVER. BEEN. ABLE. TO. DO. IT. As a child, I participated in karate competitions. I won several medals and trophies for katas. And because I was of a few females who participated in the sport, I would have to spar with males. I only placed once in sparring with boys... but I always beat the girls. Even in junior high at Schwab, I got into a fight with a boy. I left with a scratch on my face and my dignity; he left embarrassed. BUT! I NEVER WAS GOOD AT GYMNASTICS! NEVER EVER! AND NEVER WILL BE!

I'm writing this to say... my simplistic novice ideal of doing a bare minimum cartwheel has been insurmountable at every point in my lifetime. It's not because I never wanted to or that I didn't work hard to attain the goal. I just was never physically able to do it.  So I can't even imagine how it feels emotionally for Simone Biles to not feel the mental connection between her brain and her physical body. Because it is something she should know how to do like breathing air, right? Just 5 years ago, we were watching her break records, create new moves, and win medals. She is The GOAT! A lot has happened in those 5 years though. I don't think as human beings we realize how integral  the health of our brains, our thought process, and our mental well-being along with life experiences affect our entire body. It's not as simple as we believe. If it was that simple, I'd be an Olympian too! 

Stress & trauma have major affects on the brain. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) not only affects soldiers after war, but people who have survived childhood traumas. Miss Biles has experienced much in her young life. And I'll just keep her in my prayers for her peace of mind. 

Stop Saying You're Going to Get "Natural Immunity", That's Not How Bodies Work!

NO ONE IS BORN WITH A FULLY DEVELOPED IMMUNE SYSTEM! There are only 2 ways the human body develops a "natural immunity" to disease Passive Immunity and Active Immunity. 

Passive immunity happens immediately and occurs when from mama to baby through the placenta or through a blood transfusion. Passive immunity only lasts for a few weeks or months. 

Active immunity means that you have been exposed to a disease and your body triggers the immune system to develop the antibodies to fight the disease. This means you actually have to be INFECTED in order for the signal to spark the immune system to start making antibodies to fight sickness. 

Active immunity does not mean you will not get sick in the future! It means that your immune system now has the information to fight a specific disease or illness in the future. Active immunity is takes a few weeks to grab a hold but it is long lasting and in most cases, lasts a lifetime.

Your personal immune response can be strong or weak. It's strongly based on genetics and your current physical condition. The genes that are passed on to us from our parents and those before play a great deal in our immune response when our bodies are introduced to new illnesses & diseases. If there's a history of your family battling with a certain sickness, you need to do the things needed to build your immune system so it can have a strong immune response. 

How do you boost your immune system?

(https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/how-to-boost-your-immune-system)

•Don't smoke.

•Eat a diet high in fruits and vegetables.

•Exercise regularly.

•Maintain a healthy weight.

•If you drink alcohol, drink only in moderation.

•Get adequate sleep.

•Take steps to avoid infection, such as washing your hands frequently and cooking meats thoroughly.

•Try to minimize stress.

•Keep current with all recommended vaccines. Vaccines prime your immune system to fight off infections before they take hold in your body.

I know y'all won't like that last one... but unless you're willing to take the chance of getting infected... you're not going to get "natural immunity".

You can have "supernatural immunity"...but I'm reminded of a man named Job.

How I Felt About the Leandria Johnson Videos

At church some folks asked me how I felt about Leandria Johnson's videos. I simply replied, "I ain't got time for Leandria!" I just watched a few moments from each video. I understand but I don't excuse either.

Look here, if you want to do something with your life, than do it! Nobody can hold you back or hold you down but yourself! It doesn't matter what anyone says about you, if you feel you have a purpose to do something, then forge ahead and keep it moving! Especially when you're standing at the threshold of opportunity and blessings. And furthermore, you don't have to compromise your faith, your values, or your morality in the process.

Just because you see with your mortal eyes the success of others who got to where they are using the road of instability and greed doesn't mean you get to judge them because you decided not to do the same. It's hard to do, but pray for your enemies! Pray for those folks that use you despitefully! Pray for those who attack you! Do good for your haters! If they're hungry for gossip, feed them with kindness. If they thirst for rumours about you, quench it with blessings.

God puts you in certain places and certain perdicaments with certain people, not to harm you but to set you up for success. We are being tested in our faith daily! Even more these days because we are constantly bombarded with messages that aim to destroy the hope and faith that abides within us. We as believers have to be able to see with our spiritual eyes, be guided by the Holy Spirit, and then meditate and listen for an answer.

Lastly, there is power in the words that you say. Are you speaking words of life or death? Positivity or negativity? Love or Hate? Are blessings proceeding out of your mouth or just a litany of curse words? Don't take so lightly the things said in high emotional splurges. The words that we say are linked to our thoughts and the intent in our hearts. Once it's said, you can't take it back. You can apologize, you can repent, but there is a cost to pay. Moses never got to enjoy the Promised Land because he spoke negatively of God's people. How can God take you to the next level when the words that you speak aren't coming from a place of love & respect?

That one relationship...

Memory Monday:

When I was a freshman in college, I used to date this fine brown skinned Adonis, he looked exactly like Tank. I mean everything: body, face, and he could even sing.  I was totally infatuated with this man! I'd sneak him into my dorm at night, middle of the afternoon, whatever, I had to see him. He had tattoos on his arms, one I remember being a spiderweb. I really was into this man and he wanted me to commit to him.

So why am I not with this man now? Well, one afternoon he called me and confessed he loved me but that he had been not telling me everything about his life. So you know I started thinking the scenarios; gay, bi, drug dealer, escaped from jail, devil worshipper, was Joan of Arc in a former life. I don't know!

Well, he proceeds to tell me that he was a single father and had a 3 year old daughter who was his pride and joy. He thought that it was time I should meet her because he felt I would be a great stepmom to her.

Now to some ladies, this would have been a sigh of relief. It may have even sounded romantic, but look, I was young. 18 years old, just tasting freedom. Didn't have any kids, just getting into the swing of college life and entering adulthood. But here's this man that's throwing these words of CHILDREN, PARENT, MOTHERHOOD, MARRIAGE, RELATIONSHIP, at me and what happens? PANIC!

So I'm sitting on the other end of this phone call receiving this new information. My heart is pounding so hard, I can't hear my thoughts. I'm trying to process my reaction because I really like this man but do I love him?  And do I know him enough to say yes to meeting this child too? Am I ready for this?

All I could ask, "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I was afraid you wouldn't see me."

"This is a lot to think about right now."

"What do you need to think about? I thought we were working toward something here!" He was yelling now. I didn't know why he was yelling but I just started crying because I knew he wanted me to answer him then and there.

"I'm not ready."

"So that's it? I have a kid and you don't want to be with me anymore?!"

"I never said that! I said I wasn't ready to meet her. You just sprung this on me what do you expect me to say?"

"I don't know. You said you weren't ready but I am, so I think that's it."

That's how that relationship ended. When I look back at it, I feel the same emotions. Guilt, anger, frustration, even fear. Though now, 17 years later, I can truly see that God was protecting and covering in that moment of decision. Life changing decision at that.

I could always ask "What if I had?" But the overriding thought is "If the Lord had not been on my side, where would I be?"

Human life is a series of twists, turns, intersections, crossroads, roundabouts, u-turns,
splits in the road, and sometimes dead ends. We're all on this journey and we're all headed for destinations that are significantly influenced by the choices we make. Looking back for a moment at where we have been helps us not make the same errors we've made in our past.

The moral of this story is: Let Life Happen To You So You Can Grow. Stop being afraid to the feel pains of your past and don't let your past overtake your future. Learn and grow. Learn and move forward.

Singles & Singleness: Seeing Ourselves Through God's Eyes

Was reading a short article in the June 2017 Essence and it really ministered to me. Sometimes God puts you in a place where  you don't want to be in order to sequester you to hear and start digesting His Word in you. In my case, I'm stuck in jury duty for the time being. So here's what God has put in my spirit today for the single women and men, including myself. 

God wants us to know that there is a special place in His heart for the singles in the Body of Christ. He wants us to know for sure that every tear, frustration, pain, heartbreak, heartache, feelings of confusion, anxiety, loneliness and rejection, are felt, seen, and heard. He understands and wants us to remember that we are friends of God. We have been chosen and appointed to bear everlasting fruit, so whatever you ask in the name of the Father, He may give it to us John 15:15-16.

When we view singleness as a "problem" instead of being sacred, we will constantly devalue ourselves based upon the ideals of others. God's love and love for ourselves should be the way we define our worth in the world. God's word affirms in us that we have value! In fact, we were bought with a price by God! We are not to be enslaved by the thoughts and opinions of the world 1 Corinthians 7:23! The way God sees us is not based upon what or who we think are, what we have done, or our current state in life. God knows the plans He has for us! Plans for us to prosper and not to harm us, plans that give us hope and an expected end Jeremiah 29:11! Everything that is happening in your life right now may not be easy. It may not feel comfortable and it may not be the plan you had for your life, but know right now, that GOD MAKES ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THEM WHO LOVE HIM Romans 8:28!

Keep affirming to yourself through God's word and begin seeing yourself through God's eyes!

You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God! Genesis 1:27 & Psalm 139:4

Your faith makes you whole in spirit, soul, and body! Mark 5:34

You live by faith, not by sight! 2 Corinthians 12:7

God meets all of your needs! Philippians 4:16

God keeps you in perfect peace because your mind is fixed on Him! Isaiah 26:3

You have the anointing of Jesus, through the Holy Spirit. He teaches you truth and empowers me to live a full life! 1 John 2:27

Because you seek the Lord with all your heart, you will lack no good thing! Psalm 34:10

God pours out his love into your heart by the Holy Spirit! Romans 5:5

Because you write love and faithfulness on the tablet of your heart you have favor with God! Proverbs 3:3

The “fullness of God” is available you because you am deeply rooted in the love of Christ! Ephesians 3:17-19

Let Serena Live Please!

Been holding back on this but...

Why are black men so butthurt over Serena marrying a white man? Where was all this outrage when these black male athletes and entertainers married and flaunted and paraded their white wives in front us black women? And we just had to accept it.

It just seems to me that black men believe that black women should only belong to them and them only. That there are no other ethnicities of the male human species in the world that can value our minds, souls, and bodies without believing that they own us.

Why does society feel the need to limit Black women? Why do we have to feel like if we're not with a Black man that we're not worthy of love or being treated with respect?

And this is not speaking against Black men at all. I come from a Black man. My family is full of strong, Godly Black kings. They would love for me to marry a good Black man, but they would be damned if I chose to marry a Black man who didn't treat me right over a man of another ethnicity who did.

Black men who have complaints about Serena, can save the crocodile tears. You really never cared about Serena. If you did, you would talk about the greatness of her career.  But all you see is a sex symbol you lust after and you're just upset that your dick gets soft  when you close your eyes cause no longer see yourself in bed with her, but that white man she chose.

Black Americans Learning Black History is Healing Matter

So this was a comment I left on a video. It's long but this is from the heart. This is for every person who tries to tell you that Black people need to "let go" of our history. That we use slavery as a "crutch" or an excuse for the current conditions of our people in this nation. Don't let that guilt trip move you toward the path of ignorance! It is a trap to keep you complacent to injustice! It was the same line of methodology they used on our ancestors to keep us subject to the system of inhumane chattel slavery in the United States! It was illegal for us to read, to write, to speak our home languages, to sing our own songs, to worship our own religions, to keep our own names at the punishment of death! Black Man Woman, and Child, you are the most lethal weapon to America when you TRULY know these two things: WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU COME FROM.

Know thyself.
🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼

There's nothing wrong with Black Americans learning their history. Please do not take it for granted. There was a time in our very recent history that there was no existence of books about Black people or a Black history month to bring awareness to the contributions of Black people in the United States (Google: Carter T. Woodson). Furthermore, all Americans need to learn about the horrors of chattel slavery in the United States so they would not be ignorant. Slavery still exists today in varying ways but most people would not be able to identify someone who was a slave simply because they choose not to educate themselves.

Black Americans especially need to learn the atrocities performed upon our ancestors and we should never forget them, otherwise the same things can be repeated. Learning these things may cause us to experience different emotions of anger or sadness, but we must go through these things to heal and move forward. We almost must realize, our emotional expressions right now can in no way compare to the physical & psychological pains our ancestors experienced first hand. In many ways the tears we cry now are the tears they wished they could lament back then.

We need to learn these things not to build hate or to plot revenge against others, but in order to heal and carry through the fight of those who were stolen from their homeland; died on the ships and bodies who were thrown into the ocean; survived the horrors of trans-atlantic transport being chained to the floors for weeks on hand, laying in human waste; and endured the cruelties of chattel slavery, being bred like animals, raped of humanity, denied of their languages, fractured from their cultures, broken from their families, forced to work in fields that they did not own and forced to build a nation that would forever treat them as less than equal.

If you are a Black American and do not acknowledge the struggles of your ancestors, you deny the very blood that runs through your veins at this moment! Your DNA links you to people who survived the greatest crime never for convicted and never for has been indicted!  If Black Lives Matter to you now, then how can you not acknowledge that  Black Lives Mattered then?

Yes, the United States of America has many sins to confess concerning the many groups of people she has chosen to rape, murder, dehumanize, disenfranchise, and plunder. Don't be one of those who add to those lists of sins by denying, ignoring, or disvaluing the true history of this country. Our ancestors deserve their truth to be told, even if it is violent, graphic, and hard to digest.

July. 4.1776.

July 4th, 1776.

I see that date and it feels like an imposter. It doesn't feel like it belongs to me.

I go to the Red, White, & Blue parade every year with good intentions. I just get frustrated and can't wait till it is over.

I have issues with the American flag. I can't help but see the blood of the innocent and the persecuted dripping from it's hem.

I have to think about Crispus Attucks when I sing the National Anthem. Otherwise, what's the point.

I think about my grandparents growing up  in Alabama. Sharecropping. Saying the Pledge of Allegiance yet going to segregated schools. Fighting in a war for this country but living segregated bunkers. Working in their houses and raising their children but not being able to use their bathrooms.

I remember being in college and in a race & minority relations class. A conversation about affirmative action turned into viral attack. I was called a nigger and he spat at me.

I remember the feeling of searing anger I felt when I was told the white male who was recently hired made more than I & did not have the level of education nor work experience I had. I smiled, nodded, and thanked God for the raise.

But I still think about it.

It's hard to forgive, but I can forgive.

I just can't forget.

Alzheimer's Made My World Different

I hate Alzheimer's Disease. 

It's so hard to keep focused and positive these days. Watching my grandmother pass away naturally. I know what the outcome will be but even that is difficult to accept knowing that life will never be the same again without her. I already miss her smiles and touch of her hand. I miss her goofy laugh and thick Alabama accent. I miss her mixed greens and pan fried hoecakes. I miss all shopping trips to the flower shops and Thriftway on Saturday mornings. Sitting in the backseat of that red Oldsmobile with her and my mother, with my father driving and my grandfather in the passenger seat. I felt so privileged to grocery shop with my grandmother! It was like I had the inside trade secrets on what goodies she would have for us in the kitchen! I miss it all. I remember everything.

But now it's like 3 shadows were in that car. I can still see them, but everything is in slow motion in head. My mother and I are still warm, sitting beside each other in the backseat. One day, I'll be sitting there alone.

It is all a bitter pill to swallow. 

God knows how much we can bear. Looking back, it was hard but it was never a burden to help take care of my grandmother. It was a fact of life. She had the disease. Now we had to take care of her the best we could. It was fact. 

The hardest part really is/ was taking care of my own mother. It felt like I had lost my mother sometimes and she became this super caregiver who was obsessed with everything grandma! Phone calls sparsely began with hello and conversations rarely included plans for mother/daughter dates. Any time I had with my mother included my grandmother as well and that enlisted us both giving most of our attention to her. 

In that I had to grow up and understand that it's not all about me... it's about the love and respect I give to others. I learned more patience than ever before. I learned how to bear the weight of others and not make it my cause to solve their problems even when I wanted. I learned how to hold my peace and let God fight for me. I learned how to pray more and talk less. I learned how to stand still but to run to hills when need be.

I can see my mom coming back to herself but she's still not sure what to do with her time now. Shes going from caring for her child, then her father, then her husband, then her mother.  And then what? My hope for her is that she starts to live her life for herself and enjoy retirement. But that's up to her. She is hard-headed. I'm pretty sure she'll find a way to take care of someone else... that's who she is.

I look into the future and hope there can be a world without diseases like Alzheimer's. Hopefully a cure or some type of sure prevention can keep people from having to suffer. Then realizing that this disease is still not done with my family.  Other family members are suffering and have suffered, It is changing our lives, making us see the world differently, drawing us closer in a different way,  rallying us to do better for ourselves and for each other. 

I wish I could have changed things in another direction.

Juneteenth: 150 Years of Freedom

Today is Juneteenth.

It's time to remember on the tens of millions of our African ancestors who were kidnapped from their homeland and forced to be slaves in North and South America and the Caribbean.

We remember those who died on the ships during the long torturous voyage across the Middle passage.

We remember our ancestors who were stripped of their humanity and identity. Let us never forget the trials and tribulations they were forced to face.

We remember every crack of a whip, every lashing of flesh, all of the blood shed in the cruelty of slavery. 

We remember every man and woman who revolted or ran to freedom.

We remember the black men who fought and died in war to ensure that freedom would be a reality to their people.

Let's celebrate and walk in the freedom for which our people have bled and died! Let us use our freedom wisely, guard it carefully, and embrace it totally.

Let's continue to fight for justice and stand against injustices in the world! We must not let racism, hate, prejudice, nor bigotry have the last word.

Allow this Juneteenth to be a reminder of our tenacity, our ability to hold on to hope, and to our faith in God.

Let all African Americans continue to hope and work toward a better future while remembering and rejoicing over our triumphant heritage. We shall forever strive to newer heights through liberation and excellence.

Letting Go and Cutting Off

My ex has recently hitting me with sporadic text messages out of the blue. I can't express the rush of emotions I dealt with over just a few words. From anger to indifference to worry.

Sometimes your past wants to piggyback onto your future.  I am learning how to cut off from the weight of my past. There's some things and some people I had let go of but I never officially cut the cord. So there was always a glimmer of hope or change. But now... the past things need to die.

I'm no longer going to be the care manager of past mistakes and past relationships.  I can't keep reliving the hurts nor the disappointments.   I can't change the past. I can only focus on the present and have joy that God has, is, and will bless me beyond all I could ever want or think.

And then learning or rather beginning the process of forgiveness. Wow! I didn't think I had so much disdain or dislike for certain people until I really got down and examined myself. God had to reveal some of the things in my heart that were separating me from experiencing the fullness of love, joy, and peace.

I'm just ready to smile in the sun and just enjoy my life.

Mental Illness is Very Real and Can Be Treated

Unfortunately in the African American, African, Asian, Hispanic cultures & religious community, mental illness and emotional health is frowned upon. Behavioral symptoms that are out of the ordinary are often ignored and taken as weaknesses or a passing phase. 

The brain is a major working organ of the body. Just like the heart or lungs, it too can become diseased. When people are expressing behavior/feelings/emotions that are not normal; not based in reality or rationality; or may be harmful to themselves or others, these are times that we not only react spiritually but we must also attend to their physical needs by finding proper medical treatment as soon as possible.

There is no problem or negative stigma in seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. I myself have dealt with severe depression since the age of 11 and have had to acknowledge that I needed help. Yes I have faith in God! I believe that healing comes from the Most High but as long as I am in this body made of flesh, I also know that I am also vulnerable to disease and illness.

You don't know what will trigger it either, for me it was my father's death. It might be a soldier coming home experiencing the effects of war. It may be the suburban mom overwhelmed by life. You don't know when, but you should be aware of the signs.

From psychiatry.org

"What are the Signs and Symptoms to Be Concerned About?"

If several of the following are occurring, a serious condition may be developing.

*Recent social withdrawal and loss of interest in others.
*An unusual drop in functioning, especially at school or work, such as quitting sports, failing in school, or difficulty  performing familiar tasks.
*Problems with concentration, memory, or logical thought and speech that are hard to explain.
*Heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds, smells or touch; avoidance of over-stimulating situations.
*Loss of initiative or desire to participate in any activity; apathy.
*A vague feeling of being disconnected from oneself or one’s surroundings; a sense of unreality.
*Unusual or exaggerated beliefs about personal powers to understand meanings or influence events; illogical or  “magical” thinking typical of childhood in an adult.
*Fear or suspiciousness of others or a strong nervous feeling.
*Uncharacteristic, peculiar behavior.
*Dramatic sleep and appetite changes or deterioration in personal hygiene.
*Rapid or dramatic shifts in feelings or “mood swings.”

"One or two of these symptoms can’t predict a mental illness. But a person experiencing several together that are causing serious problems in his or her ability to study, work, or relate to others should be seen by a mental health professional. Guidance counselors, teachers or classmates are often the first to notice symptoms."

So I ask everyone to be more aware, more sensitive, and more proactive toward our brothers & sisters who are dealing with mental issues. Let's become better equipped in our  families, communities, schools, churches, and culture at identifying those who may need our support. Let's work together in love and with a unified spirit so we can prevent further tragedy and heartbreak.

Selfied Out.

Selfied Out.

Self indulged generation
Needing instant gratification
An appetite that is never satisfied
Only appeased by views and likes.
Love is never far away.

Self exploited with no thought process
The products of living in excess
All the world they have gained
Yet history or math they cannot explain
Only Self they understand.

Self enclosed yet reaching for acceptance
Technology is so far advanced
Yet there's a disruption in our human development
Social media is a tool, not a replacement
There's nothing like a hug and a kiss.

Can they see beyond the looking glass?
Are they forever gone behind the screen?
A generation lost in a parallel world that happens to be from within.
Will they ever reach out to be saved?
Or will their salvation just become another viral sensation?

Tradegyis not Entertainment

Tragedy is not entertainment. When those who we consider to be celebrities or entertainers continue to promote themselves at the expense of others pain, it shows their lack of humanity. 

The Worst Feeling

One of the worst feelings in the world is looking into a child's eyes and knowing they need help but they are too afraid to tell or have been told not to tell.

I have been that child; the one who was too afraid to speak about the pain and hardship I was enduring personally because I was told that my family would be harmed if I told. My mother had to force me to open my mouth and tell my truth. When I finally did, relief rushed over me, the tears fell, and help came.

There are millions of children in this world whose youthful spirits have been broken by the effects of hunger, physical abuse, mental abuse, homelessness, financial hardships, bullying, absentee parents, divorce, acts of violence and war, and death.

Their eyes water with fear.
With closed mouths, they scream out to you.
HELP. PLEASE HELP.
But there is no sound.
Crying out to you, reaching for your hand.
Though their hands are clasped and arms crossed.
Are you okay? What can I do? Do you need help?
I can hear their hearts beating.
Brother. Sister. A small glance.
How do they know?
The pinch, the kick, under the table.
Don't say anything or they'll take us away.
They'll separate us. We'll never see each other again.
Don't say anything.

I Miss Real Television Sitcoms

I was thinking about TV shows when I was a child/teen. Even though I was hypnotized by television, I was actually inspired by and learned from the shows I was allowed to view (catch that ALLOWED in your spirit parents). Anyway, TV actually inspired me to go to college; taught me how to use my imagination and creative faculties; it made me excited about growing up and becoming a responsible adult. Television made me want to go out into the world and live. It was like television was reaching into my home, encouraging me to go out and do greater things.

I'm not so sure about television now. It just seems like it produces this entitlement to fame and riches spirit in people. I don't know about you but I end up more depressed after watching most times. If I watch a show nowadays, I try to find that show that is the most fictitious and imaginative, or at least has good writing and character development. I miss the days of the family sitcom where they sometimes deal with real life issues and the live studio audience laughs or says "Awwww", then claps sympathetically because they relate to the character, (or because a producer told them to do so).

Anyway, I miss TV. Real TV.

Time for a Vacation (Impromptu Poem at Work)

Time for a Vacation

Loose me from this desk of despair!
I just need to getaway from here
From this place of stress and work
I want to feel the sun on my face
Freedom from florescent lighting
The earth beneath my feet
Liberation from laminate floors
The wind blowing through my kinky hair
I want to feel the peace of relaxation
And breath. And breath. And breath.
Breathing without thinking, without interruption.
I need to be far away from direction.
Doing what I want to do.
Feeling lost in leisure
The pleasure of not clocking in

Disappointment, Life, & Birthday Cake

Sometimes I forget I'm over 30 and get frustrated when I receive invites to 30 & over events. Like, "I can't go to that, I'm only..." and then reality hits me. "Oh yeah, that's right." I can remember being in my teens just waiting in anticipation to turn 16. Like it would be the age of a new Renaissance for all the people of the world. When my birthday came, I expected people to be so excited for me. Oh I dreamed the night before of a surprise party with family and friends.  Practiced my surprise expression throughout the day, believing in my heart that at the age of 16, I was special enough to be thought of in such a way. But no party, no surprise. I remember having to tell people it was my birthday.  Thinking on it now, it took everything inside of me not to cry in that moment. I remember going to Walmart of all places and purchasing a Sweet 16 charm for myself, telling myself it was from my dad.

I think my cousin was the only one to give me a birthday card and it made me feel important, like I had reached a turning point.  Hey I was old enough to get a birthday card! Awesome! Everyone wants to feel like they are loved and thought about at some point in their life.   Every milestone age then after 18, 21, 25, then turning 30, I kept up this high excitement for my birthday,  only to be let down. I went as far as telling people I wanted a surprise birthday party. I basically put the whole theme down on paper to be executed,  but surprise,  surprise: no party. And it's my fault for allowing that to be a personal disappointment. I have never been at the forefront of the people I love most minds as a person who needs to be helped, encouraged, or celebrated. I've always had to give of myself more than what others give to me. I never was picked first for anything.

I'm more likely an above average thinker with a lower middle class attitude about life. I have such grandiose ideas about my future and how I can make the world a more tolerable place, but then I have my logical, more skeptical mind that puts my technicolor dreams into black and white. This may sound like a pity party... and it is! Who else is going to throw a party for me? No one.

I whine a little. I get it out of my system and go on to live another 24 hours.

This year as my birthday draws nearer, I can't lie,  I'm excited but I'm not expecting anything or anyone to do anything for me either. It only takes one person to blow out the candles.

He Wasn't my Type : Draft Pick #257 MISS IRREVELANT

Today I'm at the store (Old Time Pottery if you must know) and they've got some classic MJ playing over the speakers. So I'm jamming, singing to myself, about to look in a bin of pillows. That's when I hear this guy say to me, "Uh, uh. No singing in Old Time Pottery... not without me talking to you first."  I had to turn around and see who this bold man was (dear Lord let him be fine). So smiling and giggling at me was this tall, green eyed, handsome... caucasian man... possibly in his 40s. Needless to say... I was disappointed. Flattered, but still disappointed. We had a bit of convo, a little flirting but that's about it. He just wasn't my type.

Though it did get me thinking. I'm all for dating outside of your culture and ethnicity. I believe in the Melting Pot of Love.  But I had to admit to myself today that I have quite a bit of fear & apprehension when  I am approached by men who are of different ethnicities or backgrounds than I am. This happens more often due to working in the medical field and that I now understand or I have been told that I have a so-called "international look". Which bothered me at first, but I've come to accept it. So I look like I'm from Africa or India... what now? I'm still an Black American woman who is mainly attracted to Black American men. It's my Achilles Heel.

Now I've dated a few guys who were not the same skin color as I and I still have those voices tickling my ears reminding me of Black Power, Black Love, and the Black Family. I even have the sting of guilt that sometimes rises up in my belly. Like I am betraying my people by going out with a white man. I really hate that feeling. I even hate it more when Black men make you feel guilty for dating someone of a different ethnicity. Seriously?! Wasn't none of yall beating down my door, calling my phone, or texting me to take me out. Oh you may have attempted to see if we could get down sexually, but you really weren't trying to see who I was as a human being.

It doesn't help the fact that I am overweight either. No matter how friendly or amazingly intelligent that I am, men (no matter the color) are visual creatures. My curves... are in all the wrong places.  They either like what they see or they don't. So I believe now that's two strikes against me: Black and Fat. And being that I am a Christian, it narrows the field down even more. There aren't too many churches harboring single, saved, and satisfied Black men in hoards. Neither are they flocking to the pews. It's like the NFL draft nowadays for a single black woman out here. You better hope you get called up to play... otherwise you'll be hanging around like a free agent.

That's what I am right now. A free agent. I'm trying to get myself together (lose some weight, get outta debt, etc) so I can look good for some man out here to pick me so we can negotiate a deal, sign a contract, win a Super Bowl, and retire in luxury (or open a few franchise McDonalds along the way). Ya feel me? So while I'm out here ripping and running I do catch a few prospective teams eyes, but it ain't the teams I TRULY want to play with! And today I realized, if I'm going to get the ring, I'm going to have to get on the field sometime. If it's going to be that I have to be with someone I wouldn't expect to be with, I can accept that. I can fully, truly accept that.

All I want is someone who loves and respects me completely. A man whom I can look into their eyes and know that they know who I am entirely. Someone that I can be reassured that they are trustworthy and strong.

So maybe I should have given that guy my number or smiled a bit more. I don't know.  THAT guy wasn't my type. Maybe the next one will be.