Alzheimer's Made My World Different

I hate Alzheimer's Disease. 

It's so hard to keep focused and positive these days. Watching my grandmother pass away naturally. I know what the outcome will be but even that is difficult to accept knowing that life will never be the same again without her. I already miss her smiles and touch of her hand. I miss her goofy laugh and thick Alabama accent. I miss her mixed greens and pan fried hoecakes. I miss all shopping trips to the flower shops and Thriftway on Saturday mornings. Sitting in the backseat of that red Oldsmobile with her and my mother, with my father driving and my grandfather in the passenger seat. I felt so privileged to grocery shop with my grandmother! It was like I had the inside trade secrets on what goodies she would have for us in the kitchen! I miss it all. I remember everything.

But now it's like 3 shadows were in that car. I can still see them, but everything is in slow motion in head. My mother and I are still warm, sitting beside each other in the backseat. One day, I'll be sitting there alone.

It is all a bitter pill to swallow. 

God knows how much we can bear. Looking back, it was hard but it was never a burden to help take care of my grandmother. It was a fact of life. She had the disease. Now we had to take care of her the best we could. It was fact. 

The hardest part really is/ was taking care of my own mother. It felt like I had lost my mother sometimes and she became this super caregiver who was obsessed with everything grandma! Phone calls sparsely began with hello and conversations rarely included plans for mother/daughter dates. Any time I had with my mother included my grandmother as well and that enlisted us both giving most of our attention to her. 

In that I had to grow up and understand that it's not all about me... it's about the love and respect I give to others. I learned more patience than ever before. I learned how to bear the weight of others and not make it my cause to solve their problems even when I wanted. I learned how to hold my peace and let God fight for me. I learned how to pray more and talk less. I learned how to stand still but to run to hills when need be.

I can see my mom coming back to herself but she's still not sure what to do with her time now. Shes going from caring for her child, then her father, then her husband, then her mother.  And then what? My hope for her is that she starts to live her life for herself and enjoy retirement. But that's up to her. She is hard-headed. I'm pretty sure she'll find a way to take care of someone else... that's who she is.

I look into the future and hope there can be a world without diseases like Alzheimer's. Hopefully a cure or some type of sure prevention can keep people from having to suffer. Then realizing that this disease is still not done with my family.  Other family members are suffering and have suffered, It is changing our lives, making us see the world differently, drawing us closer in a different way,  rallying us to do better for ourselves and for each other. 

I wish I could have changed things in another direction.

Disappointment, Life, & Birthday Cake

Sometimes I forget I'm over 30 and get frustrated when I receive invites to 30 & over events. Like, "I can't go to that, I'm only..." and then reality hits me. "Oh yeah, that's right." I can remember being in my teens just waiting in anticipation to turn 16. Like it would be the age of a new Renaissance for all the people of the world. When my birthday came, I expected people to be so excited for me. Oh I dreamed the night before of a surprise party with family and friends.  Practiced my surprise expression throughout the day, believing in my heart that at the age of 16, I was special enough to be thought of in such a way. But no party, no surprise. I remember having to tell people it was my birthday.  Thinking on it now, it took everything inside of me not to cry in that moment. I remember going to Walmart of all places and purchasing a Sweet 16 charm for myself, telling myself it was from my dad.

I think my cousin was the only one to give me a birthday card and it made me feel important, like I had reached a turning point.  Hey I was old enough to get a birthday card! Awesome! Everyone wants to feel like they are loved and thought about at some point in their life.   Every milestone age then after 18, 21, 25, then turning 30, I kept up this high excitement for my birthday,  only to be let down. I went as far as telling people I wanted a surprise birthday party. I basically put the whole theme down on paper to be executed,  but surprise,  surprise: no party. And it's my fault for allowing that to be a personal disappointment. I have never been at the forefront of the people I love most minds as a person who needs to be helped, encouraged, or celebrated. I've always had to give of myself more than what others give to me. I never was picked first for anything.

I'm more likely an above average thinker with a lower middle class attitude about life. I have such grandiose ideas about my future and how I can make the world a more tolerable place, but then I have my logical, more skeptical mind that puts my technicolor dreams into black and white. This may sound like a pity party... and it is! Who else is going to throw a party for me? No one.

I whine a little. I get it out of my system and go on to live another 24 hours.

This year as my birthday draws nearer, I can't lie,  I'm excited but I'm not expecting anything or anyone to do anything for me either. It only takes one person to blow out the candles.

If I Wrote a Memoir of my Life...

If I was to write my own memoir, I would also do the audio reading as well, but I would insist on not releasing the book until after I was dead because the final line would be... "And then I died." I would choke up, gasp, and you would hear a thump like I fell on the floor. Then you'd hear nurses, doctors, and medical staff. And then silence....

But just to creep you out you would begin to hear ominous laughter after like 45 seconds of silence.... and then I would say... "I'm not dead, I'M BEHIND YOU!!!" And hopefully you're not driving because that would really cause some accidents... but since I would be dead already... you couldn't sue me.

The Battle: I'm 30 Now

My birthday was August 6th. I'm officially 30.

And you know what...

I do feel older.... more mature.

I look at things in the world and the people around me a bit differently.

I appreciate my mother more. I treasure my grandmothers and aunt, the little time we have left together in this world.

I wonder how it feels to be in your 80s and 90s in this world today. It must be so drastically different from when they were 30. The choices they had to make. The careers they had to choose from... the children they have raised.

It makes me hurt for them.
Do they ever pine for their  youth? Or wish for someone to hear the thoughts in their minds that they can't convey into words due to the dementia and old age?

I look into their eyes and I just see the desire. The desire to respected, loved, appreciated, and needed like they once were at a point in their lives.

Just to feel important is to be important.

The gleam. I see it. It's still there. The desire. I see it. It's still there. The passion for life. I see it. Still there.

Yet when you're wrapped inside a feeble body and a mind that's going through a constant loop of memories that you are trying to hold on to for dear life... you get lost.

Forgetting. Trying to remember. That's the battle they fight everyday.

My battle?

My battle is just trying to focus. Life. Love. Family. God.
I understand, but keeping focus... that's my war.

As Long As You Put God First, YOU WILL ALWAYS WIN!

SMILE!!!  :)

Phillipians 4 (KJV)

4Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.

5Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let ...your requests be made known unto God.

7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

9Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

10But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.

11Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

12I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

God does not want us to become preoccupied and stressed out with the problems, difficulties, and trials we may have in this life. It is the immediate reaction of our flesh to want to take on the burdens of life and put them upon ourselves. But God does not desire us to God wants us to put ALL of our trust in Him and Him only!

 

Rejoice in the Lord right now for your victory! It may look like a dim situation, but if you put God ahead of your trial, you can't lose! If God be for us, who can be against us? (Rom.8:31) My God can do anything but fail! (Deut.31:6,8) We are MORE than conquerors! Nothing, NOTHING can seperate us from the love of God! (Rom.8:36-39).

 

Everything can go wrong around us, but isn't it good to know that we serve a God who gives us peace, that gives us the ability to endure through all of the struggles we may encounter, and in the end we ALWAYS come out VICTORIOUS! We can do ALL things... not just a few things, but ALL things through Christ who gives us the strength to them! God wants you to know that if you are with Him, you are a SUCCESS! You are always on the WINNING SIDE! Keep the faith, Stay the course, and you will finish the race!

My Opinion: The Role of Husbands and Wives, Male & Female according to the Bible

The Role of Husbands and Wives, Male & Female according to the Bible


Eph.5


*25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;*


26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,


27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.


*28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.*


*29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:*


30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.


31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.



As a wife I should be able to put trust in my husband as the authority figure of our household, not because I am weaker, but because the Bible instructs me to yield to his authority as the leader of our family.



This does not mean that the wife has no say- so in the decisions of the household, because in Eph. 5:21, the Bible instructs both husband and wife to submit to each other in the fear of the Lord. Rather, we both take into consideration each others opinions, feelings, and thoughts. Even when one is not in the physical presence of the other, any decision that is made that would affect the family, that spouse should consider and if possible, at all times consult with the other spouse.



The final decision though, should be made by the husband, and hopefully that husband is a Godly man so all his decisions should be prayfully considered, reassured and backed up by the Word of God. In doing so we both as husband and wife can be on one accord as one flesh.



The problem we are having with our families in today's society day is that frequently we see that there is no husband-wife dynamic present in the home. It is even more prevalent that there is no male figure in the home at all, so unfortunately the woman has had to stand in the place as mother/protector/breadwinner/authority figure. So when this has happened now for generations, we have a culture of masculinized women and feminized men. Girls are taught to be strong, taught that they don't need a man at all. Boys are taught to be sensitive to their feelings, and as long as they look good, are entertaining, or can use their physical prowess in some type of way, they'll always be loved and excepted. We have socialized ourselves to think of each other in topsy turvy roles of what is exceptable and acceptable for the male and female.



And I know time changes, culture changes, society changes... but the Word of God never changes. We've got to get back to who God really wants us to be as individuals and as Men and Woman.

PCOS: The Other Reason I Went Natural, Part 1

This is a blog entry is from my blog at Nappturality.com. I wanted to post it here hoping that women would be encouraged or at least feel a connection between my journey with PCOS and their own. PCOS is not a final sentence to your health but a wake up call to treat yourself like the queen you really are!
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PCOS: The Other Reason I Went Natural, Part 1

Earlier I wrote about the spiritual and societal reasons for my going natural. Now I want to tell you all the main reason I had to go natural; themedical reasons. I have a condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). It is the most common androgen (hormone) excess condition affecting 5-10% of all women, but it is inconsistantly diagnosed and mainly not diagnosed at all. It causes insulin resistance (prediabeties) and in some cases if it is not treated early enough can lead to cancer. For about 20 years now, I've been dealing with the symptoms of this condition. For the last 3 years I've known I had PCOS, but it wasn't until this year I found a great doctor who could properly diagnose me with the condition. I just wanted to share what I've been through. This may be something you've gone through as well. You may not have PCOS but you may have another medical condition. If anything comes from me writing this, it would be that you get informed about your symptoms, go to your doctor, ask questions, and get informed about your body. DON'T WAIT! Go as soon as you can! Mammogram, blood tests, Pap smear...whatever...DON'T DELAY YOUR HEALTH!!! You're worth it!

Just a warning, this may be graphic at some points (not really but I talk about puberty and puberty isn't pretty).

For years I have had to deal with insecurities about my body and the way that I looked. I have always felt awkward, out of place, and not comfortable in my skin. During adolescence I had problems with the whole puberty thing. At the age of 8, I was wearing a C cup, experiencing the pains of acne, and was gaining weight around my belly. By age 9, I was 115 lbs. Average 9 year olds are half that weight. Because I was developing so fast and faster than my friends I had to endure positive and negative attention. Boys were curious about my "boobies". Girls would ask me if I stuffed my bra and pass notes about me during class.

My parents would take me to doctors where they would do lengthy blood tests, prodding me, and pushing hard on my gut to see what was wrong. They would ask me uncomfortable questions about my sexual history which was nonexistant because I was only 10 (and even though this is necessary in some cases, a good doctor would see that my hymen was still in tact).

After my father died suddenly at age 11, I became angry and frustrated with the medical profession in general. I didn't want to go to another appointment if I didn't have to and if my mother made an appointment I would find a way to get plans changed. That didn't last long and when my period still had not started by 13, my mother got worried and started taking me by force to another pediatrician, one who was even worse than the first.

They blamed my non existent period on late blooming, stress, and high blood pressure. Which they said happens to alot of kids going into middle school and who face trauma. But seriously, looking back how many 12 yr olds have high blood pressure?

It came to point when the doctors just gave up on me and decided I was just a "fat" kid and I ate too much. So they sent me to a nutritionist. I thought my prayers had been answered and I would finally have an amazing diet that would help me lose weight. When I sat down in front of the nutritionist, she looked at me like I was some strange animal. She asked me a few questions about my diet and then measured my belly.

"You need to lose weight."

My eyes got big and my mouth opened wide. Maybe she's just kidding...no she isn't kidding. Seriously, is this who you send me to a nutritionist who states the obvious?

Then she asks, "Well how much weight do you hope to lose?"

"Well in hopes, 50 lbs." I replied.

"50 lbs! Well let's not go crazy here!" She laughed. Did this bitch just laugh in my face? Isn't this her job? To help me lose weight? And she laughs? I clocked out at that moment anything said after that point was not heard and I didn't care anymore. She handed me a print out about food that didn't offer any information and another about a medical study being offered for fat girls my age.

I soon realized that if I wanted to ever be done with going to doctor's offices I would have to lie and say I felt "better". So I did. I didn't really, but they believed me. So I joined the drill team in middle school. Made the cheerleading squad in high school. I was starting to lose a little weight, but not what I should have. The belly was still there. Everything else was toned...legs, arms, back, but that belly never would go away.

And then one day in tenth grade, I'll never forget it, a classmate, Quincy (he will be forever hated for doing this) pointed out a hair growing from my neck. And he kept pointing and pointing...everyday at this one hair. But a few weeks later came more hairs and I was beginning to get nervous. What the hell was happening?!?! Was I turning into a man?!!! No I wasn't but my God this isn't right! So I asked my mother and she said it's hereditary. I had to think...my aunt has a full mustache...my mom has to pluck a few hairs now and then. It must be hereditary. It'll be okay.

So for years, I worried about the hair. There was hair everywhere. Hair on my chin, on my legs, on the bottom of my belly. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME GOD? These were supposed to be the happiest years of my life as a teen and I was worried about hair removal! Dances, cheerleading, prom they all began with 2 hours of prior preparation the first hour being shaving or chemical removal of hair.

When it was time to go off to college, I had gotten my hair be gone routine down pact. It became a part of my life and I had come to accept it. People would ask me why I had all this hair and I would just reply that it was hereditary. It seemed to be the only answer that fit and made sense. People seemed to be okay with it as well. If I was going to have to go through life with this, I should be able to accept it and so will others.

After college, I reentered reality. In school I had made up this identity of a strong willed, confident, do anything young woman. Coming back home I realized how weak of a person I was when it came to accepting what I had to look at in the mirror. Throughout my childhood I had endured verbal abuse about my body, from it's size, skin color, hair length, anything and everything. And I began to believe those things. So much so when, I wasn't being complimented by others, I stopped looking in the mirror. I stopped caring about what was on the outside because on the inside I felt like crap. Depression hit (and still hits) hard. But I couldn't understand why. At that time in my life, I should have been happy! I just had graduated from college! I should be trying to take over the world! But instead I was at home in the evening watching wheel of fortune in bed. I felt alone.



To be continued...

Still Single

I've been single now for 5 years. It's been mostly good. I enjoy having my time to myself. Not having to share myself. Doing what I want.

As I get older though, I feel the pulls and pains of loneliness. It gets very hard some days to come home and then lay down by yourself. Sometimes you want to have that satisfaction after a long day at work to know that someone is at home supporting you and loving you no matter what.

I'm not in anticipation of being married or anything, but being in a relationship would just be a nice change now. I'm like Al Green right now, "I'm so tired of being alone, I'm so tired of own my own".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqBdtB5KWgI
Ugh!

I've tried dating sites. Nothing.
Tried Church. Nothing.
Clubs. Nothing.
Waiting. Nothing...yet.

People hate on me when I make my status on Facebook about my being single and wanting to date, but hey why not?! No one seems to notice anyway.

I'm not picky. Not at all. I don't take any crap either.

I'm cute. Not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm attractive.

I don't know the reasons why. I don't even want to try to figure it out. Because I'm just so tired of trying to find a way not to be single. If I have to wait 50 years for the love of my life on Earth, I can wait. I'm patient. I've learned just to wait and not to expect for a shirtless bachelor on a white horse who can change concert tickets into diamonds, jump off water falls, float in the air, and wear jeans in a hot tub on a motorcycle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLTIowBF0kE