Alzheimer's Made My World Different

I hate Alzheimer's Disease. 

It's so hard to keep focused and positive these days. Watching my grandmother pass away naturally. I know what the outcome will be but even that is difficult to accept knowing that life will never be the same again without her. I already miss her smiles and touch of her hand. I miss her goofy laugh and thick Alabama accent. I miss her mixed greens and pan fried hoecakes. I miss all shopping trips to the flower shops and Thriftway on Saturday mornings. Sitting in the backseat of that red Oldsmobile with her and my mother, with my father driving and my grandfather in the passenger seat. I felt so privileged to grocery shop with my grandmother! It was like I had the inside trade secrets on what goodies she would have for us in the kitchen! I miss it all. I remember everything.

But now it's like 3 shadows were in that car. I can still see them, but everything is in slow motion in head. My mother and I are still warm, sitting beside each other in the backseat. One day, I'll be sitting there alone.

It is all a bitter pill to swallow. 

God knows how much we can bear. Looking back, it was hard but it was never a burden to help take care of my grandmother. It was a fact of life. She had the disease. Now we had to take care of her the best we could. It was fact. 

The hardest part really is/ was taking care of my own mother. It felt like I had lost my mother sometimes and she became this super caregiver who was obsessed with everything grandma! Phone calls sparsely began with hello and conversations rarely included plans for mother/daughter dates. Any time I had with my mother included my grandmother as well and that enlisted us both giving most of our attention to her. 

In that I had to grow up and understand that it's not all about me... it's about the love and respect I give to others. I learned more patience than ever before. I learned how to bear the weight of others and not make it my cause to solve their problems even when I wanted. I learned how to hold my peace and let God fight for me. I learned how to pray more and talk less. I learned how to stand still but to run to hills when need be.

I can see my mom coming back to herself but she's still not sure what to do with her time now. Shes going from caring for her child, then her father, then her husband, then her mother.  And then what? My hope for her is that she starts to live her life for herself and enjoy retirement. But that's up to her. She is hard-headed. I'm pretty sure she'll find a way to take care of someone else... that's who she is.

I look into the future and hope there can be a world without diseases like Alzheimer's. Hopefully a cure or some type of sure prevention can keep people from having to suffer. Then realizing that this disease is still not done with my family.  Other family members are suffering and have suffered, It is changing our lives, making us see the world differently, drawing us closer in a different way,  rallying us to do better for ourselves and for each other. 

I wish I could have changed things in another direction.

The Battle: I'm 30 Now

My birthday was August 6th. I'm officially 30.

And you know what...

I do feel older.... more mature.

I look at things in the world and the people around me a bit differently.

I appreciate my mother more. I treasure my grandmothers and aunt, the little time we have left together in this world.

I wonder how it feels to be in your 80s and 90s in this world today. It must be so drastically different from when they were 30. The choices they had to make. The careers they had to choose from... the children they have raised.

It makes me hurt for them.
Do they ever pine for their  youth? Or wish for someone to hear the thoughts in their minds that they can't convey into words due to the dementia and old age?

I look into their eyes and I just see the desire. The desire to respected, loved, appreciated, and needed like they once were at a point in their lives.

Just to feel important is to be important.

The gleam. I see it. It's still there. The desire. I see it. It's still there. The passion for life. I see it. Still there.

Yet when you're wrapped inside a feeble body and a mind that's going through a constant loop of memories that you are trying to hold on to for dear life... you get lost.

Forgetting. Trying to remember. That's the battle they fight everyday.

My battle?

My battle is just trying to focus. Life. Love. Family. God.
I understand, but keeping focus... that's my war.

My Opinion: The Role of Husbands and Wives, Male & Female according to the Bible

The Role of Husbands and Wives, Male & Female according to the Bible


Eph.5


*25Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;*


26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,


27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.


*28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.*


*29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:*


30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.


31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.



As a wife I should be able to put trust in my husband as the authority figure of our household, not because I am weaker, but because the Bible instructs me to yield to his authority as the leader of our family.



This does not mean that the wife has no say- so in the decisions of the household, because in Eph. 5:21, the Bible instructs both husband and wife to submit to each other in the fear of the Lord. Rather, we both take into consideration each others opinions, feelings, and thoughts. Even when one is not in the physical presence of the other, any decision that is made that would affect the family, that spouse should consider and if possible, at all times consult with the other spouse.



The final decision though, should be made by the husband, and hopefully that husband is a Godly man so all his decisions should be prayfully considered, reassured and backed up by the Word of God. In doing so we both as husband and wife can be on one accord as one flesh.



The problem we are having with our families in today's society day is that frequently we see that there is no husband-wife dynamic present in the home. It is even more prevalent that there is no male figure in the home at all, so unfortunately the woman has had to stand in the place as mother/protector/breadwinner/authority figure. So when this has happened now for generations, we have a culture of masculinized women and feminized men. Girls are taught to be strong, taught that they don't need a man at all. Boys are taught to be sensitive to their feelings, and as long as they look good, are entertaining, or can use their physical prowess in some type of way, they'll always be loved and excepted. We have socialized ourselves to think of each other in topsy turvy roles of what is exceptable and acceptable for the male and female.



And I know time changes, culture changes, society changes... but the Word of God never changes. We've got to get back to who God really wants us to be as individuals and as Men and Woman.